39,000 feet thinking
I’m at 39,000 feet flying to last Monday’s destination. Paid for internet so I can stay in touch. Got to see my new nephew, Hunter, and hug my nephew, Lance Sweenhart, and meet his bride, Kendra. Sweet and extremely kind family.
Now I get to see mom and dad and my family. You never appreciate where we all are, or what everyone else is dealing with, until you come face to face with reality.
I’ve lost my sister and haven’t even processed it yet. Peace? I have it. Reality? I still have to accept what we’ve lost.
Through the years Teresa and I connected differently than I have with my brothers. Probably differently than she connected with them. Older and younger. Male and female. Both lovers of our life in Alaska.
But… I could go back. Not her. She was tired of the dark, cold, icy walks and drives, but mostly the isolation from everyone else. Long and expensive flights. Look up Dutch Harbor, Nuiqsut, Afognak. Yep. She lived there. About as remote as many could ever imagine! I visited them at the first and third, but they were not long enough in Nuiqsut for me to reach there.
Just about everywhere she lived, I visited.
Long talks, walks, games and enjoying being the oldest brother and her the only sister I have ever had.
It’s sinking in. She’s gone. What do I do with that contact entry, email and phone number, or those old addresses I’ve kept up with? Birthday cards…if you know me I seldom throw anything away!
The last time I saw her she gave me a memory gift. Cinnamon toothpicks, popular in the late 1960s’. I haven’t opened them yet, but I will soon, surrounded by family that will appreciate the gesture.
In fact, I’m listening to John Denver’s Windsong album I enjoyed on my first trip to Alaska in 1977! 5,000 miles in 96 hours with mom, Teresa was in her second year of college. She loved John Denver also. Something else we have in common. Her favorite? “This Old Guitar”.
When she first moved to Alaska she loved being my kids aunt. She was always finding ways to connect with them in the only way an aunt could. You know. No rules when we get away from the parents. Ask my daughter about the broke hamburger. We still laugh about this so much!
I visited them in Farmington, NM. Lance was about 2, or so. Vicky? Five?!? Anyway, growing up with three older brothers you would think she would understand rough housing. She was so scared I would break them!
Hah! She always got her own bedroom. I’m sure we were jealous, but she never got involved with those scary crawls in the dark across the floor to be “the hand that drips poison” or Count Dracula! Werewolf! But she did get her own dresser and closet!
Though I am feeling lost, my memories keep me found…and she’s not lost. I found her right here in my heart, mind and spirit. I keep remembering her in special ways and pray that never ends.
Love you Teresa!
👍
Beautiful! I know it came from your heart! Teresa was and always will be special in our memories. I’m sorry for your loss. Love you, Aunt Nita
Thank you. One of the toughest weeks of my life.
What a beautiful way with ‘words’…seems to run freely in your family. How incredible is this ability to articulate those inner most feelings in such a way that not only draws but invites the readers into your heart’s sanctuary. There a warm hearth is complete with a fireside chat fully engaged sharing memories of yesterdays gone by…cherished memories to be forever etched into the memoirs of the family’s history book! Continuing to pray for peace that passes all understanding today and in the days, weeks and months and even years ahead!
Thank you. It’s a release to write what may choke me up to speak.
Michael, I think we are third cousins. I don’t understand all of that stuff but, nevertheless, we love, and have loved many of the same people. Your mom and your Aunt Anita and Aunt Carol were some of my favorite people growing up. Your love for your sister is palpable and I feel it in your words. How wonderful to have loved each other so much and have such sweet memories; what a gift the Lord has put in your heart and mind. What a gift that you can express that love so eloquently. Thank you for sharing with those of us who didn’t get to enjoy Teresa because life gets in the way. Love you, Michael.
What a great way of processing your grief. I am acquainted with grief but no expert … Just glad we know a saviour who was also “acquainted with grief.” He bore our briefs and carried our sorrows, and I know he is carrying you right now.
Your writing simply amazes me Mike. I still keep waiting to “wake up”, and realize this was just a dream. Teresa touched so many hearts, and part of her will always carry on. No way to understand “this” on this side, but so thankful we can simply “trust” that He is perfect, and never makes a mistake. I know she’s more alive today than she’s ever been before, I wonder about the splendor that her eyes are seeing, the hugs from loved ones gone before, the gasp and joy in her heart, when she 1st laid eyes on the One who gave His life, a ransomed for her… as you so eloquently said… One day!!!
Mike:
I totally agree with your comment that writing something helps in expressing painful feelings that otherwise would be unable to come out verbally. I vividly remember Teresa as a beautiful, vibrant young girl. One weekend I went camping with Teresa and Brenda to New Braunfels. It was in a small pop-up and was my first experience ever with camping. We cooked meals, talked, laughed and had a great time. One afternoon we tubed down the river. Our easy, relaxing float suddenly turned treacherous when the slow moving river quickly turned to rapids and a fast moving waterfall. I got caught in this maelstrom and a group, including Brenda and Teresa tried to “save” me. In all actuality, I was fine. I was more terrified of losing my contact lenses and being half blind the remainder of the trip! Funny things we remember
Please know that I am thinking and praying for your wonderful family and remembering Teresa with the grace and love she expressed to all. Lynn
Lynn…Brenda and I were just remembering both at camping trip earlier this week. Thank you for writing and sharing!