My Essay From The Unexpected Corners of Life
It’s been a strange few weeks for me, and for my family. As I think this through, I realize, it’s been two months since this strangeness showed up on our collective doorstep. The unthinkable happened. My sister was tragically killed in an auto accident. A driver younger than her, in fact, about the age of my own kids, drove a vehicle she apparently had no right to drive. Seemingly and unconcernedly drove too fast through a stop sign. Instantly. My sister is gone.
This is our pain, the closest thing I’ve ever been to that threatens to unravel life as we’ve known it.
Without any doubt, we’ve all been shaken by the occurrence. I’m a very conscientious driver, but I’ve found myself even more aware of side roads. What happened to my sister nearly happened to me last month – as I cautiously entered an intersection with a green light, an unseen car was suddenly in front of me, ignorantly running the red light. Good brakes. Quick mind. Vigorous reflexes. Then, disbelief as she drove on down the road unaware of her gaff.
So. With over 2 million miles of driving experience, I know life happens. Distractions. Mechanical failures. Other drivers. Life.
No Immunity Allowed
None of us is immune to the struggle of life. We ask for reasons and explanations, but strangely the answers are not forthcoming. The reality? None of us has a handle on understanding what’s happened. The police report has not been finalized. I know. I am calling every week. Arrest? Imprisonment? Justice? I’ve been warned nothing will probably come out of this unless the offender is impaired. Slap on the wrist. Do better next time.
Though no stranger to life, it seems like a tornado of unbelievable strength plopped into our world. We’ve each had to struggle to find our way through the aftermath. For the most part, we’ve retreated to the corners of our lives miles and states apart. We’ve worked hard to move ahead, but it’s been difficult.
Actually, for me, it’s been unbelievably difficult. Why? Our distant corners are not helping others in their corners. If there ever was a time to be there for each other, the time is now. We are separated by time and distance, personal views and suffering, needs, and wants. We draw lines in the sand and don’t cross over very easily. Walls are built that will take time to erode. Feelings are fragile.
Mostly, we are alone, with just one or two to think it through. No closures. Though, for my sister, there is no more question. No suffering, nor struggle. Of all of us, she is the only one who can be at peace. She knows nothing of the storm we are facing, and the rebuilding we are each undertaking. I believe the Apostle Paul said it best, “…absent from the body…and to be present with the Lord.” (2 Corinthians 5:8) She has the best of it all.
Alright, go to your corner. Lick your wounds. Heal!
My Sister
I’ve known my sister since she was born. 1958. I remember it well…well, as good as a nearly 5-year-old can know! Marshall Street. (I had to ask mom to clarify this memory!) Then we moved a few short blocks to Earl Street and it’s from here I faced Kindergarten just about the time of her first Birthday Celebration. Mom shared this video early this morning of her first Birthday Party!
Teresa was loving, talented, courageous, and a very capable sister, daughter, mom, and friend. On many fronts, she was hesitant and cautious but seldom shared those feelings with just anybody. She persevered when many others would have thrown in the towel. It’s not that she faced unthinkable challenges, but she did live in many a barren place in Alaska. (Nuiqsut, Afognak Island, Dutch Harbor) None of these places were easy, nor inexpensive to travel to and from. She went from one-room schoolhouses to modern, but remote, classrooms, where she taught for nearly a quarter of a century!
She played the piano at our wedding (The Wedding Song – There is Love, Peter, Paul, and Mary) at the age of 15, soon to be 16! Dad sang. I was so hoping for a repeat performance with her and dad, then record it before time slipped away. Alas, my memories will have to suffice.
I keep her memory alive in my corner of the world.
Our Common Bond
Teresa and I had several things in common that seemed to bond us to each other differently than we bonded with those in-between brothers, Vaughn and Ken. She bonded with them on different threads, but I was the oldest, she the youngest. My birthday was the first of the year, she the last. Yes, I married first, and she was the last! Get the picture? First. Last. Alpha. Omega.
Our common bond stretched from Texas to Alaska. I went there first, yes, she followed last, and I left first, she left last! I could go back, but she was ready for a warmer world.
Everywhere she lived, I visited (including New Mexico) except Nuiqust, and only then because of timing. Afognak was a remote paradise, a logging camp with a double-wide trailer that was the schoolhouse. Yet, Dutch Harbor was a modern port even farther away. For a little while she was in Anchorage, but her world kept calling her “far out”…wait, that’s John Denver! We both loved John Denver and shared some favorite songs when driving down the road of life.
Here’s the thing.
I’m not going to see her slip into old age, a gray-haired, doting grandmother, world traveler, and happy to welcome her kids into her life as she makes it. As I’ve been told time and again, age is a state of mind, but 61 is not old, Teresa.
Knowing how much she loved my kids, I can only imagine what family celebrations would be like with her and her grandkids! I’ve seen pictures of her with the grand’s and only experienced one time as she interacted with her first four grandkids. She loved them. They loved her. She was excited to be welcoming a new one to this loving life in the high mountains of Colorado. In fact, she was willing to brave the snow, ice, cold…(brrr…she would say), to spend a month with her family to get to know her newest grandchild.
She kept the announcements we mailed out of our own kids, and only know that she would have been a wonderful grandmother to her grandkids.
We are all going to miss her. The shame is that we will all miss her from our individual corners of life.
Grief
Everyone likes to talk about the stages of grief. Do you know them?
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Supposedly you step through all the stages until you finally return to normality. That comes after “acceptance”, or so they say. Is there any such thing as normal? No. It’s a “new normal.”
I think I’m stuck on the first one. Denial. Yes. I’ve been to the grave. I sat through an uncomfortable time of sadness, and have expressed my good-bye’s in more ways than one. But the grave is a long way from my home and stuck in the middle of nearly nowhere to my life today. I will visit her sometime in the future but know this, Teresa is not there! She’s not lost in the woods but found in my memories and my voice. [Please Read]
Through most of these past few weeks, I have felt stoic, and still, I feel it today. What has happened is not real, though we have all felt the senselessness of death and the sting of tragedy.
How do you handle grief?
This is a valid question, and there are no solid answers for everyone. We are each different, and face life from a unique perspective.
Think about it… When you never move from the first stage of denial, then grief is stalled.
My view is this: You may never pause at every stage and hang out for a while. It’s almost like I’ve leaped to the end of the list. Acceptance, skipping anger, bargaining, or depression. At least, no depression I can put my finger on, but I feel like it could easily show up if I allowed. It may be resting there. Under the surface. Challenging everything else I do. But I refuse to allow it to roost in my world.
This does not mean my grief is over, rather, it’s leapfrogged from the first to the last, and has not been adequately thought through, or felt.
Okay, everyone. Retreat to your corner. Try to make the best of life.
Handle Your Grief
We keep talking about my sister. Our emotions stretch across the miles. I know of none that have accepted that it’s done and over. Tears still happen for some, but for me, I’m mostly stoic. Analytical. Where’s that police report? Justice? How can we make sure this never happens to another?
There’s no anger. Why? Life happens. Jesus says the rain falls on the Just, and the Unjust. (Mark 5:45) Life. Happens. I’ve not seen the accident sight. It’s already had a new road coat over it and the accident marks are history. Nor have I seen the car, except for pictures. She had no chance. It was sudden. Instant. Gone.
My handling of grief may be a simple fact – I’m the farthest away. Unattached. Remote. Someone asked me if I’ve cried over the loss. There have been a few tears, but when you are normally there for others dealing with their feelings of loss, then it’s difficult to wander through the grief minefield for yourself.
It’s not like there has been a lingering disease where the end is probably certain, even when hope is prayed for. We’ve been around dozens and hundreds like that. Equally, we’ve had those who have lived a long productive life, and even though suddenly gone, we are not shocked by their exit. That’s life. I’ve been to many a hospital bed where someone is suffering, and the family has had a chance to express themselves to someone still breathing.
But with my sister, as one of us said,
and I’ve shared before,
it happened in a blink.
A breath. Inhale here. Exhale there.
In a flash, it’s over, and we are left to deal with the aftermath.
My Final Thought About Grief
My final and primary thought about grief is to make sure my family never has to go through this again. We need a plan, some guidelines, a thought process, something that will help us face the challenge when the next one of us is gone.
Here’s my key. We have the power to ensure grief has time to unfold and heal, but only if we act quickly. Why? Blink. Breath. Here. Gone. It happens way too quickly.
So. I’m charting my path to do what I’m sharing here today. Take it with a grain of salt, you need to make your own path forward.
Here’s my path. From my corner of life.
Life Guidelines to Think Through
Life is a Process
What? We should have no struggles that cannot be handled by a simple phone call, or face-to-face time. Lines of communication. Doors not slammed. Words not spoken, or, at the very least, someone is given time to express themselves but their words are not held against them into the future.
Be a voice of reason, hope, and comfort. Let your heart love through the process someone else is facing. They can be there for you when it’s your time to process!
It’s not about being stronger or handling situations better, rather, it’s about allowing yourself time to process. Just like others are processing.
Remember, we all process differently!
You’re not always right, nor are you always wrong!
Social Isolation happens when we connect with everyone digitally, but we do not have a shoulder to cry on! No strong arms of comfort. There is nowhere to unload your burdens. If you are struggling with the process, or with a person, then quit the social scene and go to the person! Go to the source! Talk it out. Remember. Two ears, one mouth. Listen more than talk.
Remember, we all need to process. It’s not a single event that fixes every broken heart, rather, it’s takes time to get from here to there. We all move through life at differing paces. Give everyone space and time! Do not shut them out, but be there, ready when they are ready. They may never be where you want them to, but that doesn’t stop you from loving them or being their friend.
Plan: Allow others to process without expecting them to be where I am.
Plan Ahead.
Think about what and who you will leave behind. Anything you do now will help those who deal with your life after you are gone. Remember, you are not perfect, nor are not a saint, at least, not all the time. Everything you leave behind will affect others later in life. Emails, letters, thoughts, computer files, browsing history… Whatever is there can be taken out of context! If you are no longer there to discuss or clarify, please, clean up your stuff! Now!
Write a will and ensure all know there is such a document not hidden away. Available. Ensure your final expenses and wishes are handled so no one else has to struggle. Jesus even talked about counting the cost! (Luke 14:28-30) Do you know how much end of life costs!??! Not just in dollars, but also the cost to those trying to finalize your earthly existence.
While it is true you cannot plan for every occurrence, you can at least put in motion the plan that will protect those you leave behind from making choices without you.
Plan: Write a will, plan for afterlife expenses, communicate to those who will probably survive me.
Be Strong Anyway.
Strength is overrated. It’s not the end-all. Ask Samson. Everyone has a weak moment, a harsh thought, negative feelings, and distressful moments.
The reality? They boil out at the wrong time. Be the voice of reason and moderation. Stay centered. Harbor hope, instead of animosity. Give space, and, instead of forcing someone to walk the plank, extend your strength to them.
Love, instead of hate. Be the friend that is so desperately needed during times of weakness and tragedy.
Just because you’re strong doesn’t mean you are right. Equally, just because you exhibit a weakness does not mean you will never be strong again, or even wrong. You can be strong and wrong at the same time! Equally, you can be weak and right!
So. Think it through before you let your strength trample someone who is weaker. Being strong may be overrated, but your emotional intelligence (EQ) is a better way to show your strength!
Plan: Accept weaknesses and strengths without judgment.
Accept It – Imperfection Exists.
None of us is perfect, nor do we handle life perfectly. It’s wise to comprehend your own weakness, and then realize everyone else struggles with their own imperfections.
All of us live with imperfections.
I cannot improve my life to suit you, so you will need to live with my imperfection. Know this, I’m already living with your imperfections!
However, we can react better. Forgive imperfections quickly! Seventy times seven (Matthew 18:22). Keep forgiving. It’s the only way you will be forgiven yourself. (Matthew 6:14-15) In fact, the Apostle Paul tells us it’s okay to be angry, only, do not sin, nor let your anger pass into the next day. (Ephesians 4:26)
Get over it!
Plan: Ignore imperfections, and hope everyone ignores mine.
Keep the Two-Way Communication Open.
This is tough because it requires you to not shut yourself off from everyone else. When you do, then, perhaps it’s depression working sub rosa (in secret). Recognize this exists in ourselves, and in others. Distance and schedules may limit our timeframe, but keeping those words rolling back and forth is invaluable.
Communication in person is better than writing or talking long distance. I’m just saying, seeing your face while I read your body language helps me understand you. Just like you will understand me so much better.
My experience? Too often I find I’m the only one communicating outward and receive very little instigated communication in return. I’ve tested this over the past few years and know it’s true. When you are the primary communicator, and you stop, then you find that it was a one-way street. Is that so bad? Maybe. Remember. Two ears. One mouth. You receive more than you produce.
Plan: Do not live isolated from anyone else, even if I have to initiate the communication flow.
Declutter.
The Apostle Paul tells Timothy something very important. You brought nothing into this world, you can take nothing out of this world. (1 Timothy 6:7) In this section of scripture, he also deals with the root of all evil (love of money), the problem with having riches, finding contentment from Godliness, and who to stay away from. Invaluable statements that mean different things to different people.
I’m a pack-rat. I freely admit it. From books to papers, to hardware, even digitally stored stuff, my clutter is real – but it also represents the way I’ve chosen to be. Throw nothing away before it’s time! It’s difficult to look at this collection as anything of true value, except to me, and no one else.
Anyone who has communicated to me something negative, through the years, you can breathe a sigh of relief. It’s in the process of being reviewed, and tossed! I’ll hang onto your positive communique’s! That’s not cluttering to my life!
Plan: Before the year is gone, my plan is to tackle the closets, garage, and yard. Why would I want anyone else to decipher why I kept what I kept?
Finally
We are here, not only for ourselves but for others.
We build businesses to solve the need for others (customers), we work jobs that deal with customers and we want to be successful for them. Sometimes they are complete strangers, but remember the old adage, “The customer is always right!”.
So…we should build our lives to also exist for the needs of others. You get to define “who” they are (customers), true, but your family belongs to you even when you try to disconnect from them. You are stuck with them. Thick and thin. Good times and bad. Successes and failures.
You will find your life better lived when you reach the ending when you choose to accept that not everyone is perfect. Nor is every situation perfectly lived. Even better? When it happens too soon at least you planned for the better path!
When you stay in your corners, then your struggles are never felt, nor are you engaged with the struggles of others. You are alone. They are alone.
Let’s get out of our corners…