Speaking To Myself

In the middle of the night, dreams and conversations
Happen, and I seem to have no control over it.
My mind is busy resorting, downloading, uploading,
And the way my memory goes, it’s offloading equally.

Last night, my mind sank its mental prowess into a term:
“Speaking for myself…” as in, I’m the only one who can do so,
And when I speak, I’m only speaking “for” myself
Not for a crowd of people who might have their thoughts.

But these middle of the night forays into thoughts
It makes it easier to accept that, for some reason,
I’m not speaking “for” but rather “to,” and the hearer is me.
Speaking “to” myself, I listen.

I imagine David as a Shepherd in olden times. He’s out watching his father’s sheep. Probably a thankless job was always given to the youngest, but here he spent his spare time wisely – thinking, using a sling, singing, and reciting his thoughts in prose so they sound melodic. Maybe David is from a wealthy enough home with some tools and knowledge to write – it would have been uncommon back then.

Perhaps he has some help and maybe even a bred shepherd dog to help guard and herd. He’s faced the wildness of the grazing grounds – he killed a lion and a bear. But he’s also stood watch overnight as it was last night (February 21, 2024), a waning (or is it waxing?) gibbous moon hanging low over distant hills. As the moon settles, the stars begin to show, making their grand appearance.

I imagine he can only stand in awe of the unfolding star gazer paradise. If it were me, I would be lost in my thoughts and imagination as I gazed deeply across the skies. As I experienced with my science teacher, Mr. Doolittle… Let your mind wander. Think. Be amazed.

I imagine David talked to himself. Perhaps this is when he wrote the Shepherd’s Psalm. Most commonly known as the 23rd Psalms. Imagine his personal experience and his walk with God; he sounds out his thoughts, and they become words. He’s speaking to himself.

A Psalm of David.
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures;
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul;
He guideth me in straight paths for His name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me;
Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou hast anointed my head with oil;
my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life;
and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.
(Psalms 23:1-6 JPS)

I’m learning that much of what I write are those things I’ve dealt with through the night. When the darkness is real and deep sleep is found to be non-existent. Some of those thoughts are scary, and I awake in a panic. At the same time, others are mulled over through the near-sleepless night and shown the light of day in words on a screen.

Lord, May I speak to myself as beautifully and succinctly as David did.
Thoughts to Words, spoken and written, to be shared, perhaps,
If no one else, then I know there’s You.
You know me, where I am, and where I go,
And understand me like no other. (Psalms 139:1-3)
You know the good and the bad, and my repentance is daily (Matthew 6:12)
My capabilities are still untapped. There is so much more I can offer.
But Life, as waning days and nights, or as that gibbous Moon.
It could be the night is far spent,
The day is at hand, and there’s not much time left.
Give me this day, as Caleb wanted his mountain.
Let my reach exceed my grasp.
Nor my thoughts grow too weary.
The response to the long night just ended…
I’m ready, Lord, send me.

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