Notional Connection

Have you ever had an “ahhhaaa!” moment when something creeps into your mind. Unbidden. Not sought for. And really intrusive. This happened recently as I suddenly thought about how disconnected we can feel in life. Especially when you are the one always giving, others are always taking, and if you stop your actions then they do not feel compelled to reach out and repair the broken connection.

It’s wise to be as connected as your wicker basket gondola is to the hot air envelope (balloon) that is floating you 3,000 feet above the landscape! But it’s easy to find yourself disconnected. Suspended between reality, and space. You are not touching the ground! You are floating, saved only by the captured hot air, welds, rope, wicker and unfatigued metal.

It’s almost that you can feel connected one way,
and disconnected another way.
All at the same time!

But connect-disconnect is a real experience even when you are not floating through the skies! Then you take a deep breath, pause, and realize that you are not feet-on-the-ground safe! You once were, but now you’re not.

Here’s the rub. Apply this same thought to the human experience. You are connected, but not in a tangible way. Your connection may even be strained because you never considered all the pieces that were required to keep the connection secure. At least from your end. The other end of the connection will have their own view, and, generally speaking, neither the twain shall meet!

To be connected means that you “bring together or into contact so that a real or notional link is established.” [Source] We all seek tangible connections but notice that word notional. Sometimes. Maybe too often. What you think is a “real” connection, is most probably and only a “notional” link: “…existing only in theory or as a suggestion or idea…”

The connection link is not real!

Our connections are not as real as we thought or hoped. There may be a political connection that only lasts during election cycles. They may be tenuous due to some temporary status to either party. Regardless, we often think our connection is as real as one chain link intertwined with the next chain link. Tested. Shined. Strong. Even unbreakable.

When my bride and I said “I Do”, we created a connection that is stronger today than it was on that day of commitment. When my parents birthed me into the world, there was a connection that cannot be separated by time or distance. When my own children were born into this world, regardless of how they turn out, I have learned that I am still connected to them by a link that is unbreakable.

As you make connections in a new part of the world, with people you have barely been introduced to, then that’s easily a single reason why connections are tenuous, or notional. There is no opportunity to bind the temporary connection into a permanent connection for a multitude of reasons.

In fact, the origin of the word “connect” comes from Latin that means “bind together”. “Con-” means together, and “nectere” means bind.
Together. Bind.
Catch it? It’s a two-way street. It’s not a single direction. It starts away from each other, then meets in the middle or some approximation, and that connection equally occurs by the effort by both parties.

I studied the US transcontinental railroad project recently, where the starting points of the railroad that would finally connect the East to the West were 1,776 miles apart. They did not know where they would meet and certainly could not have planned for each to finish at a preplanned stopping point. Each direction carried a different set of issues. From staffing, supply chain, weather, terrain, and all the hostile elements that kept them on their toes. Consider those surveyors! How does the invisible guide the visible so they keep pointing in the right direction? But somewhere, at some point in the future, and at an uncertain distance – they would become connected.

Each side of a connection has barriers to overcome before a serious link can be established. Just like a battery connector and battery post must be thoroughly cleaned and squeezed tightly so that a strong connection can be made, it takes real work to make both sides realize the effort needed to connect in a solid way.

Here’s my thought today. Through the years I’ve been told that I’m too friendly, smile too much, and am too accepting. While that may be true, get on my bad side and I can sever the connection like a hot knife through butter. Swish! We are no longer connected! It will almost be like we are boxers in a ring looking to take the shot that will bring the other down – and I have a longer reach than you can possibly know! That’s a disconnection that is as close to war as I would ever want to get… I win. You lose.

Or, is it that we both lose. And we never realize it.

The harder it takes to make a serious connection, the harder it is to plunder either side so that the connection unravels. When you are solidly connected, then like the proverbs of old you are a friend that sticks closer than a brother. (Proverbs 18:24)

So, why do we not work hard on making and keeping solid connections?

That’s a great question. Perhaps it is the nature of men to size others up and determine if we can be in a position of “having one another’s back.” Or, do we have strengths that bolster the weakness that another has, so it works well that we are connected? Trust. Personality. Background. Skills. All come into play when determining if we can make a connection, or even if it’s worth the effort.

I’ve learned something about myself over the years. I hate being in crowds. When I walk into a room, I may have many connections and it’s easy to escape to those familiar faces and focus inwardly. Even when talking to others, there is also that feeling of backing into a solid walled corner where, like a gunfighter of old, you want to protect your back and be ready to face any challenger.

But then, walk into a room, as I did at a conference a few years back where there should be safety and peace, I found a huge disconnect. You should not worry about your guard or defenses, but you do. There are many familiar faces and it’s easy to glad-hand those you only see a few times a decade. You gingerly test the waters to see if you can make a new connection that might just last longer than this event.

Still. You’ve been burned before. It’s difficult getting over the rawness. You remember getting snubbed by one, glad-handed by another, and then, someone slips into your blind spots and grabs you. You don’t know whether to hit first, duck for cover, or freeze. Why? It’s hard to not hold onto your feelings that were there when you stepped in the doorway.

You see those you had once been connected to, and you feel not one iota of pleasure. Whatever had been there before is severed. Trust is lost, and you are in your game mode – don’t trust the stranger because you can not even trust who was at one time a friend. They severed the link, now let them pay the consequences!

You wonder if you should even be at the event. Why? There is a trust factor that will never exist again. There are wounds left on the table that have not yet healed over. There are unspoken words that should have been shared, but at this stage of the game, they will never be communicated. There is even that feeling of avoidance. You to them, and them to you. I’ve experienced this even at a funeral of a shared contact!

Then the conference speaker talks about how God healed him from an experience that left horrible scars, the root of which goes back to when his age was in single digits. The perpetrator? A distant relative. He tells of realizing, finally, that he must forgive. That’s the only way he will grow. When you carry your pain, you nurse your pain, and that pain keeps the event alive. It cannot scar you because you keep picking at the wound.

You realize that scars can show your victory over a situation, or it possibly shows your defeat. It can reflect what you faced and overcame, or left you dangling by your fingertips over the deepest chasm you’ve ever experienced.

Suddenly. You realize you must let the pain go. True, God can heal you of the mental pain you feel, but without feeling the pain you will never know again if you are being injured. Pain shows you are alive! Scars are a gentle reminder of past battles, or wounds in the house of your friends (Zechariah 13:6), or an “et tu” moment, or it may be an “in your face” badge of honor.

Here’s the truth of scripture. I have found nothing definitive in the bible that tells me I must forgive myself. No parable. No father to son conversation. No words of wisdom. No words in red. We buy into the notion we will never heal if we do not forgive ourselves…except we have no substantiated scripture to tell us that’s a true statement!

I watch people constantly put their pain into the conversation and want everyone to feel sorry for their experience instead of setting the pain down and reaching out to support others around them. You realize they will never learn how to solidify a connection unless you accept that “It’s all about them.”

Take a moment to remember the story of the Prodigal Son. It was culturally accepted by those listening to Jesus unwrap the story. The Younger Son speaks from his place in the family. Later, the Older Son will have his say in the matter. But for now, the real story is about the youngster, his heart, and his father.

His heart wasn’t in it to stay where he was, so he asked his father for his inheritance. (Luke 15:12)

“Give me….“

Notice. It was a culturally accepted practice that part of his future was wrapped up in all that his father had done for the family. He knew he had it coming to him. So he asked, no, probably demanded! His father freely gave.

His travel plans included a distant country, riotous living, and wasteful experiences. All the while, his father stood, watching, waiting, and perhaps knowing that the “bonds that tie” will someday bring back that connected son who was learning a valuable lesson.

When the Prodigal came to his senses, he knew that it was better back home than where he was. He rehearsed his position and words. How long? No idea. But some disconnects are so difficult to find the path to reconnection.

When he finally went home to his father, all he could ask was for his father’s forgiveness. In fact, his view of restoration was to just be a hired servant, and no longer the bonded as a son with his father that marched to the future.

Not one time does the story tell us he had to forgive himself. I’ve found myself stuck with this thought today. He “came to his senses” and knew that life would be better back home than where he was, but I still wonder how he could return home without forgiving himself?

Perhaps it was all in the power of attitude. Recognizing his own sin will be the only way he can find forgiveness for the pain he has caused, the dilemma he was in, and the only way to recovery were the welcome arms of the Father who was simply awaiting his return.

Safety? Security? Peace? I believe he knew that the connection he thought severed was not really broken. His senses, and his father. He had squandered, but he had also wronged his father, sullied his family name, and his God. His father could forgive him. Heaven could forgive him.

Why? This is an important step in understanding real connections.

Confession. Yes. It may be good for the soul, but the words you speak will pave the way for a chance to bind the wounds that were opened wide. The words spoken in confession laid the foundation for the father to readily accept, forgive and restore.

Confession begins the healing process! But you cannot only confess your sins to others. You must find the pathway to Reconnection. But that only occurs when you confess your sin to yourself.

What was in his heart? His words? It’s really found in these two little words.

“Make Me….“

“But when he came to himself, he said,
‘How many of my father’s hired servants have bread enough and to spare,
and I perish with hunger!
I will arise and go to my father,
and will say to him,
“Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you,
and I am no longer worthy to be called your son.
Make me like one of your hired servants.” 
(Luke 15:17-19 NKJV)

While a disconnection may be a two-way street, one carries the greater guilt and must be the one who plans on making amends. The receiving party does not have to speak a single word but can powerfully open the pathway to restoration.

“And he arose and came to his father.
But when he was still a great way off,
his father saw him and had compassion,
and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him.
(Luke 15:20 NKJV)

The father sees the Prodigal returning, leaves his post, and with great compassion falls on his son’s neck and kisses him. Reception. Recovery. Restoration.

Read the remainder of the story… The Prodigal still spoke the words to his father that he spoke to himself. Healing can only truly happen when one side of the connection speaks the reason for separation.

This tells me two things. The person who caused the separation must speak his piece, and the one who felt the severance must allow it to happen.

The words are spoken. The father responded with a huge sigh of relief and joy. Best robe. Family ring. Sandals. Fatted Calf. Feast! Party!! My son was dead, but now alive; lost, and now found…

Here’s an additional thought about broken connections. It often happens over time and separation from a shared experience. No pain or anger. No actions that pushed someone away. I’m thinking of high school years, neighborhood kids, and the friends of our youth. Social Media has done a lot of good things in reconnecting me to people from my past. It’s even helped me remember The Good, The Bad, and the downright Ugly!

There are some particular names that I could share, and they know who they are, that without a social connection we might have never known the other was still alive.

My family has been strewn across the continent, but when we reconnect at a shared event it’s almost like we have never been separated by time and distance. That’s the connection of our common ancestry. We may be disconnected by the personal challenges each face, but we are connected by the DNA that is a stronger bind than anything else.

Are you feeling a disconnection? Take some responsibility for those lost connections. Now. The next time you are in a crowded room, take a moment and survey the surroundings. Is there someone you need to reconnect to? What are you going to do about it? Healing is in your hands to start the path of reconnecting…

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